Sunday, 13 May 2007

Another Thing That I Never Got To Do

  • Well there was a self help course to enrich one's life and bring energy back into all of one's goals that a friend of mine Humay recommended me to. I wont mention the name directly but the first part of the main name had the second half of the name "England" in it and then second half of the name had the second half of the word "bookmark" , and it might well turn up as a sponsored link on the right if you Google the word.

  • Some weeks back I went to an introductory evening, and it looked like a great and exciting thing for me to try out. People spoke about the breakthroughs that they made coming to terms with themselves and getting more out of the life that they wanted to lead, and I saw how genuine the emotions they expressed were. There was one person who came out with his statement to share and I thought he sounded like an act, but then my main muse manifested and she telepathically told me a word in my ear was only fair since he did admit he was an actor. But the whole course did suggest that small events and misunderstandings, such as ones from a child's point of view can create a lot of confusion that can upset the thought process in your mind through the rest of your life until you sort them out. It might well mean that there are a lot of important relationships in your life that you are missing out on and also viewpoints about being successful that you might refuse to have and thus stopping yourself from having such success.. Just because you saw an event or interaction with someone taking place in a certain way, it doesn't mean that they perceived it happening in the same way at all. The man giving the lecture that evening was most effective in what he was stating, with a great sense of humour. His surname sounded like a number.
  • It was to be a three and a half day course , for three of the days you had to turn up 9am and stay till 10.30. I had been asked to attend one of their evenings by a friend named Rhiann who actually got Humay interested. At the time I had something else planned, so that never happened. Humay would not tell me a single thing about their self help techniques being taught in case his words didn't quite put the whole thing across correctly
  • My friend Humay brought myself and another friend Dave the Rave along to see if it was something we'd like to do, and he would even himself go contribute half of the cost of the course for each of us, since he was feeling rich. At the end of the evening, I expressed that I would like to go and do the course if I had the money, and indeed I did not. I talked to the man at the desk and he was eager to enroll me and once I enrolled, the course would begin for me, although the actual thing would take place over three and a half days in May. Humay went ahead and payed the deposit for the enrollment fee for me, and the man enrolling me told me that if I really wanted to do the course, the money indeed would come. He trusted in this kind of reality, and felt that the building had a power to it. Dave was experiencing a mental illness of quite a serious type and he was advised that the course would not be wise for him in his predicament.
  • Weeks layer it came to the time for me to finally pay the full fee by April 18th, and although Humay was willing to contribute his half, amazingly enough I didn't have the £150 from my side to hand over. I was upset over the fact that I do not manifest money so easily, there are things that I want to do with money and I am experiencing eternally the idea of feeling left behind in my own world with nothing that can be done about it to join the rest of the world. The company behind the course phoned me up to talk with me about my situation, they were eager to get me enrolled and payed up and see what could be done to get me through the whole enrollment. They suggested that maybe I could get a temporary job to cover the costs, but I haven't had a job in seventeen years, and well the job back then was only a Christmas job and they didn't want to keep me on at all.
  • That was actually Fortnum And Mason's where I had a holiday job and they didn't want to extend my stay there, and I had a holiday job before that at Harrod's and since I did so terribly with it, I was forced to resign. I had done some website work for the local council since but my website design ability is out of date considerably and it was mainly voluntary. I do recall the dreams I have had since about running a charity shop and discovering that because of my inability to run the place, it went bankrupt. I am supposed to be an artist but I never feel that inspired to do drawing unless it's 5am or maybe I'm out during the day and am having a cappuccino, and there seems to be very little time to do anything like that anymore. Probably I might well be frustrated most of the time about my lack of money to do anything much to take the edge of the boredom that I experience.
  • The company advised me to talk to my friend Humay about the situation further, and I did this and he was on his way out at the time to go somewhere with a friend, and he was also off to a wedding in Poland that weekend and he would think about my situation but I wasn't going to tell him that it was up to him to do a thing about it, it was after all my situation, but I felt that I wanted to tell him about my situation in relation to this thing.
  • The company phoned me a few times and I was out, and then it came to a time when I had better tell them the whole thing is off. They phoned me that evening and I was out, and then my friend Humay phoned me up to tell me that he was going to lend me the other hundred and fifty pounds. I suppose in that case the money successfully manifested just as the company said it would. However, I did not know what to say about this because I wondered how on earth I would be able to pay him back, but as it went he did not seem to be too concerned about giving me a time limit to pay him back. I have some other debts to pay and well if I look at my situation in a typical normal way where miracles don't happen and money doesn't grow on trees, someone might even say to me something such as "You're in shtuck mate!" and I might know what the person means. I began to wonder about also whether I would be able to stick out the whole day for three days without wearing myself out because it was a long day and Humay himself would book himself a cheap hotel nearby when he did the various courses.
  • As it went, I found out that weekend that there would be track replacement on the railways closing down my local station forcing people to take a rail replacement bus to a station a few miles down the road. For me that spelled out closure because there was no way I would be able to get through that journey with the rail replacement buses over the weekend and not be exhausted, by my own logical thinking, whether that logical state of mind was actually that logical or not. I could not have afforded a cheap hotel and would not have actually wanted to stay in one even if Humay stepped in to pay for it. I don't actually like having to bow down to the restrictions of what a person with no money has to put up with. So as it went I told them I could not go, and there was no longer any way to talk me around my great big barrier in life and so they canceled my place in the course.
  • Then I wondered how I was going to pay off that £50 to Humay, even if there wasn't a deadline. I admit that isn't a lot of money but then it's not something I have spare. Someone out there might think that there is something really bizarre happening when I seem to have no way of personally making this money, and I would like to know myself. There are all the people with money who know how to spend it and have fun and here I am in my reality, looking at the complications of dividing the money I have into amounts which I can have some fun with while forever paying my bills too and finding myself wandering along a tight corridor with few turnings off since each turning usually requires a lot of money. It feels as if there is the most obvious thing in my mind stopping me from making money and it might be like a joke to share with other people if I found out what it was. You might even laugh too. But as it happened, since I did not pay the enrollment fee personally, they agreed to refund my friend Humay, and I was very happy to know this. I am still interested in doing the course at another time maybe, I don't quite know when. The receipt finally arrived yesterday and this would be the weekend of the course.
  • You might ask yourself what the next thing I wont be doing is. And well, the list of things could well be getting longer. We could look at a number of things I ought to do and would like to do and at the end of the day, when it comes down to my reality alone, we could just take a look and see how they don't happen. At the moment, I am watching to see how my remarkable ability to not make money at all is squashing the living day lights out of my dream plan to see the David Lynch art exhibition in Paris, next Saturday with a friend who'll be there that day. I've been wishing to get to this exhibition since last year. I suppose "watch me have no ability to teleport there" might be another thing to say, that would be my alternate failure plan to play with which wouldn't rely on money.

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